Thursday, January 31, 2008

Tired of Just Waiting

It has been a tiring season in the hospitality industry. As the peak of the 'Summer' season comes to a close and the tourists start to wane, people find themselves running out of money, many head back to work and kids go back to school, I am beginning to find more time for me and ultimately for my art.

I have not felt much like 'me' lately but it is now time to focus on my 'artist' self.

It has been an interesting time focusing more on a different 'job', however it has been necessary for me to get myself back into a comfortable position and out of debt in order to get back into the more important things and ultimately back to being 'me'.

It has been an anxious time and there have been moments where I found the whole experience rather negative but recently I decided to use this as motivation for my art and turn it into a positive. I foresee my next body of work having a lot to do with my recent time in the hospitality industry as the 'painting waitress'. My partner, who is a chef, has helped me to see the more creative, artistic and sensual side to food - this has also been somewhat inspiring.

I still have a strong fascination with Japan and believe its influence will feature heavily again in my work, however, perhaps for the time being I shall focus on inspirations closer to home. I have recently opened up my eyes to just how much (inspiration) is right in front of me. The grass often looks greener on the other side... yet at the same time, as cliché as it may sound - there is nothing quite like the green, green grass of home.

Friday, January 25, 2008


I attended a yoga class today. My first in a few years. It felt so good to do it again - properly. It felt good to do something for myself. I have been meaning to 'get back into it' for a long time now and today I realised just how much I have missed it.

I often talk or write about 'symbolism'... the Oxford online dictionary sums it up as follows:
1. The practice of representing things by means of symbols or of attributing symbolic meanings or significance to objects, events, or relationships.
2. A system of symbols or representations.
3. A symbolic meaning or representation.
4. Revelation or suggestion of intangible conditions or truths by artistic invention.
5. Symbolism - The movement, theory, or practice of the late 19th-century Symbolists.

I like number 1 - number 4 is probably my favourite though.

At the beginning of the class this morning, the teacher laid out a whole lot of affirmation/meditation cards face down and asked everyone to come and pick one up and read it. I was the last one in the class to pick up a card but I don't think I could have picked a more appropriate one. The cards were from a set by Brahma Kumaris and the one I picked up was Creativity. Although I cannot remember the card word for word right now - it seemed so very appropriate for me today as my return to yoga is part of my ongoing effort to get myself more motivated and creatively productive.

I came home and painted for the first time in months. I painted all afternoon and into the evening. It felt so right.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


Today is the 23rd January. It's a special date for me personally - for the second time.

How things can make so much more sense in time.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Comfort of Strangers

I am feeling extremely tired but am forcing myself to write an entry tonight - even if it ends up being about nothing. I am struggling to get back into my writing or anything creative at the moment, although I think today may have been a turning point. Something has been brewing in my creative sector that has been put on hold for far too long now. The desire has never faded; it’s the motivation that I have lacked. Three complete strangers helped me find it again today.

I was at the gym this morning - something that I am doing to help myself both physically and mentally, and something that seems to be working and helping me manage my emotional self. Having been prone to bouts of depression since my early teens, I have always needed a vice to help me deal with my own emotional state. Some vices have been good, others more detrimental, but regardless, I have always relied on something, and occasionally, mistake or not, someone.

Since entering my 30's I have always tried to make that someone ME, however there have been times I have failed myself.

Clinical depression has affected most members of my direct family and we have all coped in different ways. A couple of years ago I was seeing a fantastic, and far from conventional, psychologist who helped me to realise that despite being diagnosed on more than one occasion with clinical depression and taking numerous amounts of medication at different points in my life, a lot of mine was reactional. Once I accepted this I felt quite empowered and after many emotional battles with myself I worked out ways to help myself. My tiredness and physical exhaustion has not helped my emotional state lately. My partner is going through some rather trying times at the moment and like most people, I seem to have taken on board the stress, and its effects, of the one I love and am closet to. It's a hard thing to take a step back sometimes, even when a step back is probably the right or best thing to do. Often during times like this, one can put so much time and energy into another’s, or everybody else’s, life and dilemmas that one forgets to save anything for oneself. I have done this recently and chosen to acknowledge it only now. It has all been with good intention but it probably needs to stop about now. My partner and I both agree that I have neglected myself and the thing that is most important to me - my art.

By giving back to ME I will actually be benefiting more people than just myself. I will be able to stand at the top of the well and throw down a rope rather than climb on in and join the one down there.

Getting back to the gym and the three women that pulled me out of my well today. Lack of sleep, being overworked, an irregular diet and unnecessary emotional stress took its toll on me today whilst in a cycle class. The class had only just started and I could not find a rapport with my bike or get comfortable - possibly one of the most insignificant things, yet it was enough to make me crack. I left the class and went to the change room and burst into tears. (Whether it is a good thing or not, and whether people understand it or not, I often use crying as a form of release rather than bottling things up or carrying them around.) I was so involved in my own situation that I didn't even think about anyone else being aware of me - in a public change room! Suddenly I felt a hand on my left shoulder..then a hand on my right. An older and calm voice asked if I was alright. I looked up to see two middle-aged ladies with a look of understanding more so than concern. A third and older lady approached shortly after. The three of them didn't seem know each other well, nor did they know me from a bar of soap but at the risk of sounding like a feminist - something wonderful happened in that room and reminded me of the benefits of relationships and communication between a woman and other women - whether they be brief or intense, whether they are a one off or a lifetime association. With no disrespect to men, as most of my closest friends are male, there are just some things that only a woman can understand about another woman. Perhaps the same could be said about men. We are genetically different after all.

Without knowing anything about me, or even why I was crying, they managed to say the right things - even when I wasn't wanting anything to be said. Within minutes the four of us were laughing in unison. One even embraced me. I enjoyed the moment and returned to the gym feeling more motivated than I had in a long time. Thank you ladies.

I left the gym with my motivation and it has followed me around all day. I decided to keep it and brought it home with me tonight. Whilst sitting on the couch with it I came up with an idea for my next body of work.

Perhaps today has been more productive than I had thought.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


It won't be long now...

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I Think I Smell a Rat

I caught up with a very dear and long time friend who was visiting from Singapore yesterday. We met at Melbourne School of Art when I was 17. In fact, my teacher/lecturer actually made a point of introducing us.

I have always seen S as a wise soul and yesterday we discussed many things in our too brief catch up. One of them was the chaotic aspect of the year just gone and the beginning of this one. On both a personal and universal scale. He did mention to me that it will not be until the Chinese new year begins that things fall into place or get back to where they should be. Many things we talked about made sense to me and helped me see things clearer than I have for some time now.

The year of the Rat is almost upon us.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Under Rug Swept

I have spent most of today listening to music... and not much else. I feel extremely tired, physically and emotionally. My music is affecting me in a way it hasn't for a while now, I have not had time to let it. It's such a powerful medium. It's drawing everything out of me today. At this very moment I am listening to Alanis Morissette sing So Unsexy. I can totally relate to the lyrics of this song right now. I've missed my music. And whilst not everything it is drawing out of me today is pleasant, it (music) is a welcome return to my life.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Time Bandits

It is the fifth day of 2008... but when does this 'new' year really begin?