Wednesday, July 29, 2009

My Opa - Part 1 (re-edited 31.7)

Yesterday I paid $15 to watch my grandfather pass away. It was a shit day. The parking fee afterwards was like rubbing salt in a wound. I laughed awkwardly at the ridiculousness of it, as I imagined the machine saying, "thanks for coming, hope you enjoyed the show!"


The handsome figure above is that of Boris; son, brother, soldier, saviour, survivor, nomad, husband, father, migrant, builder, provider, grandfather, great grandfather and a truly great man. He was born in Smolensk, Russia on the 3rd of March 1922 and sadly passed away here in Melbourne, Australia on the 28th July 2009. He lived a remarkable 87 years.


My mother, pictured above centre, and below left, has asked me to write a eulogy and speak at the service as she feels she cannot. I of course agreed and am using my blog as a bit of a first draught.

Boris was one of five children and at the age of 16 he left whatever known comforts family living had offered and marched off to military school as a cadet where he spent the best part of the next two years, with the occasional visit home to see his family. At the age of 18 he marched away from the school and his family for good and marched off to fight in World War II. He never saw his parents or siblings again.

World War II ended in 1945. Fortunately my grandfather survived. Unfortunately, returning to his birthplace of Russia, was not really an option for him. Instead, he walked from Poland to Germany, where he was taken in by the Americans and declared ‘without a country’, therefore a nomad.

It was in Germany, that same year, he met my grandmother, Kate. No doubt she swept him off his feet with her good looks and flamboyant nature, just as I am sure she was smitten by his dashingly handsome features and masculine charm…. Eventually! For as I only recently found out – there is a little more to the story than the boring old ‘love at first sight’. My grandmother tells me they met at the house of the local tailor. It just so happened that one day whilst my grandmother was there, Boris walked in to have a new pair of trousers altered. Apparently he took one look at Kate and asked “who are you?” Not wasting any time, he then smugly professed that he would come back the next day and take her out!

He did come back the following day - however, Kate was nowhere to be found. Determined to win this frauline over, he managed to find out where she lived and marched on over to her house, only to be greeted by Kate’s stern, and not so impressed mother, who promptly told him to go away.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And that is exactly what Boris did. He even went as far as to place oranges that he’d purchased from the black market on Kate’s windowsill and would write on them “from Colombia”. Fortunately for Boris he had somehow already won over Kate’s father with his desirable American cigarettes, but Kate and her mother were yet to be convinced that this nomad could offer them anything of substance. Eventually however, whether it was the oranges or not I can’t say, Kate gave in and went out with this persistent man. The date can’t have gone too badly because she continued seeing him after that – with or without the oranges.

They married on April 22, 1947 in a tiny church in my grandmother’s hometown of Gunzenhausen.

In October that same year my mother was born. This makes me laugh. I imagine that alone made them somewhat rebels or non-conformists for their time. It explains a lot about the following two generations. (My guess is that they really were good oranges!) Good on them I say, for that unity of their marriage lasted an outstanding 62 years!


Two years later, in October, my grandparents and my then one year old mother boarded a ship to Australia. The journey took them one whole month, during which time the men were separated from the women and children. My mother not only had her 2nd birthday as they crossed the equator, she was also very ill whilst travelling causing my grandmother much distress. Fortunately however, the three of them arrived on Australian shores safely and in good health in November 1949.

The family were positioned, along with many other migrants of that time, at Bonegilla Migrant Reception and Training Centre, where I believe again, the men's quarters were separate from those of the women and children. The men were sent off to work in various factories like the power station and the sugar factory, without any particular trade. With a little money under his belt, he set out to find accommodation for his young family, during which time my grandmother and mother waited in anticipation at Bonegilla, for around 2 weeks, for the news of a new abode and a new beginning.

After Bonegilla, my grandfather was contracted to Newport Power Station for two years. The family moved in with an Australian fellow in somewhat of a ‘communal’ bungalow-style dwelling and continued to learn and adapt to their new culture and environment. Determined to throw everything he had into this new life, full of new opportunities, my grandfather spent his weekends laying the foundations for a new family home on the of land he had managed to buy in Altona for around 100pounds.

On April 21, 1950 my uncle Harry came into this world – one day before my grandparents 3rd wedding anniversary. This addition now completed the ‘household’. All he had to do now, was complete the house.

After many laborious weekends, he did just that, and I am proud to say, the house still stands today.


Once settled into their new family home, Boris decided to study via night time correspondance, whilst continuing to work days, with a view to becoming a draughtsman. He officially achieved that goal, which made him proud as punch, in August 1960 when he received his diploma from the British Institute of Engineering Technology. After completing his contract with the Power Station and working various factory jobs, he gained employment as a Draughtsman with a company called Gerard, where he worked for over 25 years, until he retired at the age of 65.

Each year after his retirement brought a little more gentleness to his character, though his spirit remained as strong as an Ox.

He was a loyal family man, with a dry sense of humour and a strong sense of pride. And we, his family and all those who loved him were, and still are, so very proud of him.


And in closing, four lines that he would often recite, from the novel Spring Torrents by Russian author Ivan Turgenev

Days so happy
Years so gay
Like spring torrents
Have passed away.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Lady Bug


‘She was already a star in my eyes. She was manic, passionate, obsessive, miserable, even a little bit neurotic - the stuff I always believed artists were made of – the stuff I could so easily relate to. I loved her from the word go. She had a frantic energy that allowed you no other choice but to notice her and pay attention. She could also paint. Her work was great and possessed that same frenetic energy as her personality – and why wouldn’t it – it was HERS.’

I thought about her yesterday when Tom Waits' Swordfishtrombones started playing on my i-pod whilst walking to the bus stop. I had a vision of her dancing in her bedroom like some kind of praying mantis-like Goddess.

I have not had a car now for 18 months – (since a man in a ute drove into the front of my car and the insurance company declared it a write off – they handed me a cheque for some measly amount but by the time it finally arrived, after all the stuffing around, the money had already been spent) – I’ve since realised just how much I took having a vehicle for granted – mostly for the simplest and closest of tasks.

I very rarely ventured too far from home even when I had a car, especially since my parents moved to the N.S.W border. My main reason for heading into the city used to be to visit them… or my Melbourne gallery, who I left last year after a six-year relationship, of which 2 or 3 were quite tumultuous. Most of my work is now exhibited interstate or overseas so I have even less reason to travel to Melbourne.

So, back to my walk yesterday. She entered my thoughts and I wanted to write about her. The words just began to arrange themselves in my head and I was so disappointed I did not have my pen and notebook with me. I used to always carry them with me but have slacked off in recent times due to a lack of inspiration. I find it so much harder to write now than say, 2 years ago… so when I do get the urge it is frustrating to not have the utensils I need to make them permanent.

I drink a lot less than I used to. I often wonder whether this plays a part in me writing less now than I did then. I pretty much wrote every day back then. Whether it was poetry, short stories, diary/blog entries, random obscure emails or just stream of consciousness, (which later got labelled psychobabble by a reader) – whatever it was I was always able to write easily and freely. Perhaps my consumption of alcohol allowed me to be less inhibited – who knows. I do know that whilst walking to the bus stop yesterday and having all these thoughts race through my head, I felt like running back home and opening a bottle of wine and Microsoft word. Instead, I went to work and lost my mojo.

It’s weird; I struggle with the same inhibitions when it comes to my painting. The first word is like the first mark on a blank canvas. Intimidating.

I paint for myself, just as I write for myself – FOR ME… and I don’t hide my work because I feel there is nothing to be ashamed of. If others choose to view or read it is their prerogative. So why do I feel this intimidation? Will I be 40 before I finally say, “I don’t give a fuck! I’m just going to do it!”? What am I really afraid of?

I’m writing this morning. On an empty stomach. No alcohol has been consumed. I had an awful, broken sleep… it’s an effort to find the words but I am determined.

‘We met in Sydney. The meeting was for business but quickly became a pleasure. We fast became ‘friends’ and I religiously travelled to Sydney for a number of her shows. I even purchased a work of hers, a self-portrait, on my second or third visit. It hangs proudly in my living room.

I stayed at her place a few times – every trip it was a different location. We’d talk about art and pain. We’d drink tea and I’d passively smoke her second-hand tobacco. She introduced me to the likes of Louise Bourgeois and we would write sad and beautiful prose whilst listening to Tom Waits. If we ventured out we would walk the streets of Paddington weaving in and out of galleries.

She had the ability to force answers out of me to questions I did not even realise existed within me – about myself, and about my art. My head would always spin after our conversations – but it was invigorating.

I was always a little bit in awe of her though I never really knew just why. She openly expressed so many things that I seemed to suppress, and I am hardly a shy or introverted person. I looked up to her, even though she was tinier than me. She was like a ladybug on speed… always feminine and always frantic. Her energy made me both happy and sad at the same time.

She would sometimes disappear. She could often never explain.

If I was her lover, I just know she would have broken my heart.

I miss her. I often look at her painting and wonder how she is. I hope she is ok.’


Perhaps I’ll write her.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Come What May (go what WAS May)


May came and went like some kind of whirlwind. I can't remember much of it other than work. It's now June, the month that has seen me get back into the studio after a reluctant absence. I'd be so much more productive if I had an extra 3 hours in every day - (preferably with daylight).

I am finding it harder and harder to paint under artificial light. I have tried a variety of globes/wattages, lamps and flood lights - nothing compares with natural light, but with shorter daylight hours over Winter, my window of opportunity is currently limited.

I recently managed to complete my 8 weeks of boot camp. It was like nothing I have ever done before and as much as I struggled with certain parts of it and found it a huge physical and mental challenge, I enjoyed the overall experience and despite ongoing body 'soreness', I feel I have benefited from my efforts. So much so that yesterday saw me run 10km without stopping. I surprised even myself with that effort. I must thank Naomi for suggesting it and motivating me to do it. Running with someone else really does make a difference - in one way it pushes you harder than you might push yourself, yet on the same hand it somehow makes it feel easier... maybe because someone else is feeling the same pain!

My increased physical exercise has certainly helped my creative mind. It has provided me with some much needed clarity which has allowed some fantastic and exciting ideas for new work. Now it's just a matter of finding the time to apply myself.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Day 35 (Finale)


Today is the last day of Project 35 but was only the second session of boot camp.
As one project finishes... another is just beginning.
7 weeks to go and counting.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Day 34 (1 Down, 15 to Go)


The first session of bootcamp yesterday morning was hard, but despite the body aches and exhaustion it is somehow managing to motivate me. I never realised it would be such an emotional experience.
8 weeks of this. Every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 5:50am. Thursday will hurt.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Day 33 (Bootcamp ain't no Bandcamp)

Monday, April 13, 2009

Day 32 (Numb)

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Day 31 (Pick Up This)


I didn't have a very good day.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Day 30 (Masquerade)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Day 29 (Keep Your Eyes on the Road)

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Day 28 (Wash it Out)

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Day 27 (Anxiety)

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Day 26 (Taking Time to Reflect)

Monday, April 06, 2009

Day 25 (Lady With the Spinning Head)

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Day 24 (Fair's Fair)

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Day 23 (Blah Blah Blur)

Friday, April 03, 2009

Day 22 (Outside the Square)

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Day 21 (Two, One)

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Day 20 (Didn't Fool Me)

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Day 19 (Hey La Hey La)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Day 18 (Reunion)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Day 17 (Forget About the Working Week)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Day 16 (Silence)

Friday, March 27, 2009

Day 15 (Distraction)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Day 14 (Creative Constipation)


I sat in the studio
for a good part of the day
I pushed and pushed
but nothing
happened...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Day 13 (Wednesday)


Wednesday for Wednesday....

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Day 12 (In the Name of the Father)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Day 11 (Work, Rest and Play)


I am going to post my 11th image and have a little rant before I fall asleep as I am so very tired this evening.

I listened to part of an interview with Irish musician Luka Bloom on RRR today. I did not tune in specifically to hear the interview, it just happened to come on the car radio as I pulled up in the supermarket car park. I don't follow Luka's music but I did go and see him play live a number of years ago - perhaps 8 or 9 years ago. I was made aware of him as a musician through his cover, (and very different take), of what was originally a rap song titled 'I need love'.

I remember enjoying his performance but never bought an album. I think you can still appreciate certain musicians/artists work without having to purchase it. The internet seems to make it easier for the world to do this these days, everything is becoming more and more accessible through the world wide web. He, (Luka), touched on this point when talking about his latest album - stating that he still believes music fans should go to a record store to buy music not download it from the internet. I guess a similar thing applies when talking about art - (though sometimes buying artwork through a gallery is not the most financially beneficial way of selling for an artist) - but the internet does make art or images sometimes feel a lot less 'exclusive'.

It's a fantastic marketing tool but like everything in life it has its good points and bad points. Either way I do think it is important to support those who make the music or art in a way that sees the creator truly benefit as a result of their hard work... and it is 'work'. Another point Mr. Bloom mentioned about making 'art' or in his case music and songwriting - that it IS work... sometimes hard work. I think a lot of people do not understand that about any sort of 'artist'. His words rang so near and dear when he said that it is fantastic when the inspiration is there and everything is flowing but when it's not, it's hard work... he sees making his 'art' as his job, and like any other job you have your good and bad days but you must still 'go to work'. For most people I know, with any sort of job, at times comes some sort of stress - making art is no exception. Sometimes a day of staring at blank canvases and asking yourself questions to which there are no answers can be just as 'stressful' as working a 9.5 hour shift on a frantically busy restaurant with the most demanding and thankless customers.

When the inspiration IS there however, it is the BEST job in the world! Stress or no stress - there is nothing else I would rather be.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Day 10 (Tick Tock)


I am finding it hard to keep my eyes open. And whilst this post may seem a half arsed effort, it's a post none the less... and an effort. I miss C and I miss Z's.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Day 9 (When the Eyes Tell the Time)


My working day started at 5:30am and ended at 11:30pm, with not a second spent in the studio. I almost missed project curfew today... and whilst I felt a little rushed to include a 'self portrait' for the day - it is probably the most real to date as everything, including my creative mind, is just a little exhausted on this day.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Day 8 (Procrastinate)


I often wonder if all artists have the same fears.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Day 7 (Double Exposure)


I could not decide on an image for today. I had fun with my ideas - perhaps so much so that I could not decide on a single image. I asked C and I struggled to agree with his opinion... though I must say I do enjoy involving him in my little creative projects. It's a way of sharing a major part of me with the one I love. I don't always agree with his opinions but they are always valued and respected.

So while I chose the above image, he chose the below one.


I also want to make mention of the fabulous EMPTY magazine, discovered through another online artist and after sending them my credit card details on Monday, their current issue arrived in my letterbox today. I was most impressed with the publication and look forward to the next issue.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Day 6 (Pictorial)


I have
no
words
today.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Day 5 (Keeping the Rythym)

In relation to yesterday's post, or at least the title, I've made a decision to compose all images of Project 35 in a square format.

I remember an old lecturer at Melbourne School of Art, (at which I attended part time from the age of 16-18 but never really completed a full course), that a square format/composition was the most challenging. Of course, this may not be everyone's opinion but since that day I have challenged myself to many a square composition and failed as much as I have succeeded.

Recently, after sending 4 works (2 square and 2 rectangular) over to New York for a 6 woman show in October last year, Ad Hoc Director, Andrew Michael Ford wrote to me with feedback on the show and my work stating ~
I personally feel that you work better in the square format, and that has been the general consensus about your work. This is of course regardless of size. You just happened to do small squares which many people enjoyed more than the rectangular pieces.
I find the square extremely dynamic as well as challenging, and whilst some of my Project 35 images will work in this format, and some will not, I am using each image, and the editing of, as a way of exploration of this format.

I thought about skipping a day today, as I am already tired of the 'self portrait image', (after only 5 days!)... but it is not about that - it is about the discipline. As simple and even bland as today's image is, it is also very symbolic, or related very closely to my most recent paintings of waitress vs artists - or on a broader scale me vs me. The tug of war. The double life. Wanting to be two places at once... and of course that B word that is BALANCE.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Day 4 (Squaring Things Up)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Day 3 (Sunday's my Friday)


I was fortunate enough recently to discover, or perhaps 'uncover', the generosity of a number of Australian artists.

Whilst many people are claiming to be 'bushfired out' - which I find a really strange term - it is evident that the devastation caused by the recent Victorian bushfires still effects many, both directly and empathetically. Just watching this evening's news and seeing footage of last night's Bushfire Aid concerts, with 81,000 attending the Victorian gig, is confirmation that the majority of Australians just want to contribute 'something' as a way of a donation to this appeal.

I knew I was not in a position to donate a lot of money personally, so I contacted the very generous and empathetic Mark Jamieson, (director of Brunswick Street Gallery), about holding a charity art auction, who quickly said yes to lending me a hand and donating the gallery space. I could not have put it all together without his help, and of course the help and generosity of the artists who donated work and the volunteers who donated time... and last but not least - despite the weather being hideous that night - the people who came out to support the event and purchase art in the name of charity.

Of course, with the current economic status, people weren't spending big dollars, but as a collective, we managed to raise just short of $13,500 for the Australian Red Cross Bushfire Appeal, as well as give people the opportunity to own some great art for the cost of a humble donation.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Day 2 (Without Words)

Friday, March 13, 2009

Project 35

I worked/painted in my new studio today - for the first time. I've just finished for the day as I have to go to work and whilst I did not achieve a lot, I am looking at the bigger picture as a huge achievement and looking forward to spending a lot more time in there. I sat in there for a couple of hours yesterday and couldn't even make a mark - so today was progress. I was so anxious yesterday that I had far too many ideas going through my head that I could not even get started on one. So it was a great feeling today to be making some marks on the canvas again. Another joy I am reveling in is not having to pack everything up before going to work. My last 'studio space' was part of the lounge room in our house and I was forever making sure everything was away, protected from kids, dogs, vacuum cleaners and the likes - and whilst I will still strive to maintain some sort of order in my work space, it is a luxury to be able to leave things wherever I like in my space and just shut the door behind me.

I think it will take a little while for me to get my painting mojo back but the desire is as strong as ever. I'll just enjoy the ride. I find myself just wanting to latch on to everything in my life in an artistic way - or for artistic inspiration... wanting to turn everything I do into something 'creative'... it makes sense to me anyway. So while I contemplate my next body of work (paintings), and try to once again familiarise myself with artistic discipline, I am going to use my blog and my digital camera, (amongst an array of other things), to help me attain that. I am going to set myself a series of little goals to help me with that D thing. Or is it C thing? Commitment perhaps.

Today I am starting Project 35. A shorter version of the evergrowing and popular 365 Project, (that may have a few other names), where artists create a self portrait image for every day of the year - or at least make their best effort to. As I have recently turned 35, I thought I would use this number as my project guide and see if I can discipline myself to be at least a little creative for at least some part of every day over that time period.

A lot of people have said to me, and other artist I know, that we (artists) are a self obsessed bunch. That may or may not be true - in any or all of the cases... but just as I write this blog for me, and only me - to document things that I choose and perhaps even hope will be of interest to me, or used as reference, in the future - I am also doing 'Project 35' for myself alone.

I don't often write in this blog as though I am speaking to anyone else, as it is me speaking to myself about I... but if anyone else is offended by anything I say or post on here, you have the choice to not read it or view it.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Standing on the Outside Looking In


It's time I get back in the game.

Having an extended break from making art has its positives as well as its negatives. It's high time I put them together and turn them into inspiration... and then into art.

I'm so grateful to have my new studio space... and in a sense, no more excuses.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Holy Smoke!


With fires still burning in a number of areas in Victoria, it does my fucking head in that people STILL throw lit cigarette butts out of car windows!

Monday, March 02, 2009

Pause for a Cause

I've not written for some time, nor painted... not since I was 34.

Another year has passed.

Recent weeks have seen me busy organising this.


Despite the news of them dying down, the fires are still very much alive. They have destroyed so much and far too many. May they soon cease.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Nothing on my Tongue but Hallelujah!

My anxiety began at work on Saturday, at around 1pm. I was going to see one of, if not THE most influential artist/s of and 'on' my life and my own art. Nothing was going to stop me from fulfilling this dream now!

I arrived home 3pm, where C was getting ready. I don't think he'd seen a smile as big as mine for quite some time - not on my face anyway. I had waited a long time for this. Actually, for many years I was convinced I would never have the opportunity to witness the presence of this remarkable man. His words, poetry and music have lived inside me for years, and I had resigned myself to the fact that that alone would have to suffice. And for many years it did. Mr. Cohen has had, and continues to have, an extraordinary influence of my life, my writing and my art. In my mind - he is something else. He is not just a poet, he is not just a musician, or a wordsmith, or an artist, or a wise old soul - he is all these things and a whole lot more.

His books, his poems, his lyrics and his music have both moved and challenged me. They have pushed and pulled and stirred up emotions of every kind - even some I was unaware of until I was aware of him. He has done all of this without ever knowing me. For this - I thank him.

C and I took the motorbike which proved a smart transport option, as the traffic was near a stand still for a large stretch of the road that lead to the estate where he would perform.

The sun was shining over the vines as we entered the winery - on what seemed a perfect afternoon... could it get any better? I was about to see Leonard Cohen... LIVE.

The great man was due on stage at 7:30 but casually strolled out around 15 minutes early - as though he could not wait any longer to grace the stage and do what he was born to do. It had been a long time between tours for him - and even longer since he had performed in this country.

In Cohen's own words - It's been a long time, about 15 years since I was on stage - I was 60, just a young kid with a crazy dream. and now - this 74 year young kid was making one of my dreams come true.

He opened with 'Dance me to the End of Love', his baritone voice resonating through the 7000 plus crowd. His voice was everything I had imagined it would be - only better - and his presence was something else. I was moved to tears several times and as silly or corny as it may sound, my heart hurt a little when he skipped off stage for the final time at the end of his 3rd encore.

I did not want the music or the night to end.


Set 1
1. Dance Me to the End of Love
2. The Future
3. Ain't No Cure for Love
4. Bird on the Wire
5. Everybody Knows
6. In My Secret Life
7. Who By Fire
8. Chelsea Hotel #2
9. Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye
10. Anthem

Set 2
11. Tower of Song
12. Suzanne
13. The Gypsy Wife
14. The Partisan
15. Boogie Street
16. Hallelujah
17. I'm Your Man
18. A Thousand Kisses Deep [recitation]
19. Take This Waltz

Encore 1
20. So Long Marianne
21. First We Take Manhattan

Encore 2
22. Famous Blue Raincoat
23. If It Be Your Will
24. Democracy

Encore 3
25. I Tried to Leave You
26. Wither Thou Goest


The set list was one I could have only dreamed of. If I had to pick highlights, Hallelujah! and a sublime recital of A Thousand Kisses Deep would be up there. Just seeing the man was a highlight - hearing him sing, and everything else was just a bonus.

Thank you Mr. Cohen. Thank you for making the night a gift.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Humbled in Love


I want to thank Mr. Cohen for such a fabulous performance last night. He is truly a master and I believe, truly a gentleman.

I could, and most likely will, say a lot more when next I write - when I am not so tired. For now, I am still digesting all the thoughts and emotions that Leonard conjured up inside of me last night.

I am just so grateful and elated to have seen him perform.